I don't like how I've been thinking (and consequently, acting). In my own eyes I've become whiney and a real complainer. How very unattractive, not to mention utterly unappealing. I made a decision I thought was the right one; an opportunity dropped into my lap, so I seized it. I thought I could work and work and work and not need a break. Turns out, I'm actually not a machine. Honestly, that was news to me.
Saturday night I found myself in a funk for no apparent reason. I figured it was just because I've been in such a great mood for the past month or so, I was over-due for some storm clouding. But that was me simply reverting back to an old mindset. I have been doing so much personal growth over this past year, and even though it's often a struggle, I know it's a healthy change. So, I let myself delve into what was making me upset; every little thought or desire, no matter how "stupid" or "trivial" I had unconsciously labeled them. Instead of tamping them down and pretending they don't exist because they're "not important" or "idiotic", I need to recognize and accept them for what they are - for who I am - and, either, let them go, or realize it's ok to live with them.
And I've realized it's ok to dwell on the good. I have a habit of always looking at things with a slant eye, expecting the worst (how I won the "Optimist" award in 8th grade, I have no idea). It's a defense to keep myself from being hurt by disappointment. But in protecting myself from disappointment, I'm also keeping myself from complete joy in any endeavor I undertake. Yes, I made a decision that turned out to be a lot tougher than I expected. That happens - maybe I just haven't experienced it much in my life yet, which is why it has been so jarring. Good decisions can still have consequences or negative side effects. But I need to stop focusing on the pain and hardship and enjoy the blessings, for they are myriad.
I never understood how one could "pick their thoughts". I always believed you thought what you thought. How could you choose what popped into your mind? I now imagine it's not so much picking what thoughts you have, as selecting which thoughts you choose to entertain for any length of time. Say I have a negative thought that pops up. I should acknowledge and accept it, then let it go, instead of stewing in it and letting it color all my thoughts and actions for the rest of the day.
You know what's going to be REALLY fun? Sticking to this when I'm drunk.