I've always thought these quotes were a load of bollocks.  But (as seems to be happening increasingly lately) I find myself changing my mind.  How apropos.   

I don't like how I've been thinking (and consequently, acting).  In my own eyes I've become whiney and a real complainer.  How very unattractive, not to mention utterly unappealing.  I made a decision I thought was the right one; an opportunity dropped into my lap, so I seized it.  I thought I could work and work and work and not need a break.  Turns out, I'm actually not a machine.  Honestly, that was news to me.   

Saturday night I found myself in a funk for no apparent reason.  I figured it was just because I've been in such a great mood for the past month or so, I was over-due for some storm clouding.  But that was me simply reverting back to an old mindset.  I have been doing so much personal growth over this past year, and even though it's often a struggle, I know it's a healthy change.  So, I let myself delve into what was making me upset; every little thought or desire, no matter how "stupid" or "trivial" I had unconsciously labeled them.  Instead of tamping them down and pretending they don't exist because they're "not important" or "idiotic", I need to recognize and accept them for what they are - for who I am - and, either, let them go, or realize it's ok to live with them.  

And I've realized it's ok to dwell on the good.  I have a habit of always looking at things with a slant eye, expecting the worst (how I won the "Optimist" award in 8th grade, I have no idea).  It's a defense to keep myself from being hurt by disappointment.  But in protecting myself from disappointment, I'm also keeping myself from complete joy in any endeavor I undertake.  Yes, I made a decision that turned out to be a lot tougher than I expected.  That happens - maybe I just haven't experienced it much in my life yet, which is why it has been so jarring.  Good decisions can still have consequences or negative side effects.  But I need to stop focusing on the pain and hardship and enjoy the blessings, for they are myriad.  

I never understood how one could "pick their thoughts".  I always believed you thought what you thought. How could you choose what popped into your mind? I now imagine it's not so much picking what thoughts you have, as selecting which thoughts you choose to entertain for any length of time.  Say I have a negative thought that pops up.  I should acknowledge and accept it, then let it go, instead of stewing in it and letting it color all my thoughts and actions for the rest of the day.  

You know what's going to be REALLY fun? Sticking to this when I'm drunk.

When I knew I'd be moving, it was very bittersweet.  While I was ready for a new living space, I was sad I wouldn't be living above Hibernia and right in the middle of the city, within walking distance of work, theatres, and rehearsals.  I'd be spending a significant amount of time of each precious day simply commuting.  

You know what? I don't mind any of that! I enjoy the commute home each night, because it feels like I really am going Home.  It's funny to feel the difference between my neighborhood and heading to work in the middle of Times Square - smelly, sticky, hot, and full of obnoxious tourists.  I was stressed last night and just wanted to sit in my backyard and have a few drinks, and that's exactly what I did! It's healthy for me to be surrounded by greenery and living, thriving plants.  

We are slowly but surely settling in.  Heidi has painted the livingroom and kitchen.  I've (finally) figured out what I want to do with the bathroom, so that will be next.  I still need to decide a paint color for my bedroom, and after it's painted I can put up my artwork and figure out what I'm going to do for "closet" space.  

I took a contemporary dance class for the first time the other day, and it was terrific! I really loved how organic it was and how you crafted a story based on the movement - in Theatre dance, oft times the dance is created around the song's story.  This was new and exciting for me, and I look forward to taking more contemporary classes in the future.  

I also am going to be face painting at FAO Schwartz! I'm very excited to be painting again, and I've wanted to paint for FAO for a while.  

Also, I'm happy to be able to offer a special rate for Queen of the Night reservations this summer, Sundays-Thursdays! If you're interested, contact me at julia@queenofthenightnyc.com.  

Last week I found out I'd been rejected for the lottery housing I'd been in the running for since August last year.  Major bummer.  I really thought I'd get this awesome and affordable 1 bedroom in a brand new luxury building in my same neighborhood and I'd be set for my future here in NYC.  Hah.  Silly Julia.  

When I found out, I was pretty upset - I'm not sure "devastated" is quite the word, but definitely crushed.  Suddenly, I found myself reeling under a tidal wave of confusion about what I'm even doing with my life. I dub those 32ish hours my Quarter Life Crisis.  

I am so thankful for my friends that I chatted with at length; their input and sharing really helped me come to terms with my situation and feelings of confusion/over-whelmedness over this crazy little thing called Life.  

I also discovered (much to my chagrin), I can't do everything.  GASP! WAH?! I know.  It surprised me, too.  I've always been Ms. Multi-tasker, taking on everything all at once.  Well, I realized this week that I don't NEED to tackle my projects in one fell swoop; and, in fact, I've been needlessly over-stressing myself by doing just that.  Let me elucidate.

This week, I'm taking on a slightly higher position at work - filling in for a woman who's on vacation.  It involves a lot of detail, and I've been super nervous about the whole thing, but also very excited.  I also found out I didn't get the lottery housing and (for some reason) decided I needed to 1. Find an apartment and 2. Move in by April.  What?!  Instead of focusing on my top priority (successfully filling in at work), I was pulling myself in all sorts of crazy directions and getting engulfed by the stress.  Thankfully, the night before I took over, I got my head on straight. 

I realized it's OK not to cram my life trying to do everything all at once.  I'm the one putting these ridiculous pressures on myself - and needlessly!  Something that's come up frequently the past several week is that "busy" isn't necessarily good OR productive.  I can't begin to describe how true I've found this to be! 

What a crazy busy few weeks I've had! It's been absolutely terrific having so much on my plate.  Hansel and Gretel opens Saturday and runs until January 4th.  I finished up Tough Cookies.  I began rehearsal for Reindeer Monologues.  I've been working on new songs and monologues for audition season, and have been taking new classes.  Some exciting new prospects are on the horizon.